237..
It's 9 pm. My eyes are dry and itchy and I'm still watching..what else..
Someone said this to me earlier today.
" Sometimes it's ok to be human."
i am wondering.. if maybe I wasn't being a human. Am I not always human? I think I find it easier for me to trust people but not for everyone.
When something someone hurts you a few times, you tend to be aware of everything. It's called self defense. It's suppose to help us NOT get hurt. Wonder if it's mal-functioning now.
I just.. thought about something. Recently, or lets just say, the last.. 1weeks or more? I've been quite the tact-less. In the past I would've bitten my tongue rather than say those things but then now, it's as though my filter's broken or not switched on. i chosen let everything transparent.
I end up saying the wrong things at the wrong time. Yea, so i just had another SMALL blow up with my darling mother..What was it all about? The close one knew. Initially i'm not really that bothered what she said. I'm basically talking to myself. These are her exact words. Her final punch line of the argument.
" Your attitude sucks(in chinese), You CHANGED!"
You call this suck!? A daughter who never argue with you,who always take your words. It's sad you know. I really try to make it work but sometimes you've just got to accept that this is how i am and how i will always be. Something can only be real if it's real on both sides.
Don't understand?
Well giving can only be sincere if it's from the heart. Right? Of course i'm right. So, you can't force me to do something or use the guilt technic to make me feel bad in order to me do to whatever it is you want done. That's just getting me to do it but it doesn't mean i want to.
I realized it's become awkward and hard for me to interact with her. No, the talking is fine. But sometimes, you know i just want a understanding one.
* sigh *. I wish I could and that I didn't feel so restrained and have this need to control all my actions. I want to do what I want but I can't. I know what comes first. I always feel.. as though I can't.
I never change. The only thing different is I'd lost my patient.